This is the first post in what I intend to be a record of some of my spiritual thoughts, meant to encourage and point others to God. I can write about the more direct inspiration later!

This morning I woke up pretty early, around 6am, after only sleeping at 1 or 2 am. I didn’t expect to wake up then, and when I did I was extremely restless and out of it, mentally. I was itching all over too. I was having a stress or anxiety attack type episode. After trying to slather hydrocortisone cream on my self to tame the itching, God was able to calm me down enough to think about what got me all riled up. I had seen an old friend’s new pictures from his first few days on the job as a photojournalist for the Houston Chronicle, and was in awe that he was able to make his career his own. He had worked as a photojournalist for years in Washington state, and this was his next career step. I have similar feelings for people, in general, who find their passion and just work at it, and succeed. I naturally compare it to how I spent my post-college years in graduate school, something I do not have a clear passion for anymore, and I feel really behind, like I failed or missed out. I know that my maturing in graduate school was a great thing, and certainly I’m discounting the enormous good that happened here. I guess in the arena of work I feel empty, and wanted to make that meaningful. It certainly defines my search for my next job, and since I have found a passion for a job in the airline industry. I just think, well, what if I knew back then? I’m okay with the time difference. But rather just. Knowing what you want, going for it, and being able to have said you made it. I can’t (yet? ever?) and that is what super freaked me out. I had some thoughts that it was a spiritual attack since it was physical as well, and unexpected. I thought I had put those thoughts to rest. But apparently not.

I only calmed down when I was reminded that my job is not my identity, and that I was trying to find too much meaning in it. I think it is worthwhile to chase what you like and want to do, but it cannot be such that I get anxiety from being so far behind others in realizing their career aspirations. That’s a bit of idol worship. God has me in His hands and I have to trust that. At large group yesterday, the speaker was all about how God is our Shepherd, which means that He decides everything, even when we rest. We can’t do anything without him, and we ourselves are like the sheep that are restless and looking at apparently greener pastures. I know I certainly am, and the reminder to trust Him is what I have to cling to, when these feelings come by.